Parenting tips to for co-regulating kids
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"Just calm down" is something we say to our kids often. Easier said than done though, right? One of the tools we all have in our toolbelt to help with calming a child is to use co-regulation.
Co-Regulation is a mutual act, an exchange of calm that occurs between two people. Parents/ adults who have acquired the cognitive tools to manage their own emotions, can positively influence their children. Co-regulation also means helping a child learn how to regulate their big emotions by showing empathy and modeling. It doesn’t mean to pretend to exist in a state of calm all the time or never getting angry. It means actively managing your own emotions to help your children learn to manage theirs. We can directly influence processes in one another, such as the production of the stress hormone cortisol. The distress of others (i,e, a crying child) can cause us to feel similar distress. When we remain calm, we can influence the production of hormones in others to help them calm down as well.
Co-Regulation begins with our own ability to regulate our own emotions. High levels of stress can trigger the flight-or-fight stress response, even when the threat isn’t life-threatening. Sometimes we give into our children’s demands because we as parents have difficulty regulating and don’t want to deal with the big emotional outburst/ tantrum the child is having. When adults can identify their own triggers and stress response, they are better equipped to recognize them in kids. Emotional dysregulation can look different, depending on the person and situation. For younger kids, dysregulation might look like screaming, hitting, stomping feet, or destroying property. They are most likely having a fight, flight, freeze, if withdrawing, overcompliance with adults or the inability to say “no” occurs. The goal of co-regulation is to reverse course, to de-escalate intensifying stress.
When you yourself are stressed with a dysregulated child, take 5 slow deep breaths in to relax your body, then you can:
Get on their level, eye-to-eye. Increased eye contact fosters trust and connectedness and safety. With kids who have challenges with eye contact, watch for cues, but the main idea is to kneel/sit on the floor near them or squat down.
Name their emotions. For example “It looks like you’re really upset right now.” Validating emotions is important and not pointing out the behavior.
Change your tone: Try to keep your voice calm and don’t raise your voice. Mirroring can occur when we embody what we want the child to do or be. By maintaining a calm voice and body, we can naturally de-escalate a situation.
Give them a hug or squeeze (if they’ll allow it). A dysregulated child might be averse to touch, but a hug lasting longer than 20 seconds can release oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone and will naturally begin to calm the nervous system. Oxytocin is sometimes called the “love hormone”.
Guide them in a calming exercise or breathing exercise. One strategy is placing a hand over child’s heart, while the child places their hand over parent’s heart, while breathing together. This is an effective way to co-regulate and synchronize heart rates and breathing rates.
The most important take away is that children are always absorbing what they see and hear. We can be instrumental in modeling regulation behavior with every day activities.
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